1 - 8 - 0 - 0 - H - A - R - T

OH, people can come up with statistics to prove anything. 14% of people know that.

Homer Simpson

Nothing of interest in this post. I just happened to use the above quote in real life .. I was quite proud of myself!

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How come I never had “Easy Questions” like this one … when I was going to University?

A couple of weeks after hearing a sermon on lies and deceit, a man wrote the following letter to the Canada Revenue Agency (CRA):

Dear C.R.A.

“I have been unable to sleep, knowing that I have cheated on my income tax. I understated my taxable income, and have enclosed a check for $150.

Sincerely, Taxpayer

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I started a store at “Cafepress” ….

URL is …… www.cafepress.com/1800HART/

Design #1
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You Might Taking Accounting too Seriously If …

You can’t wait to do your own tax return.
You think the GAP store at the mall sells accounting standards.
You think the CMA awards on TV relate to accounting (CMA is the Country Music Association).
You cheer at the Oscars when they announce the accounting firm in charge of the envelopes.
You read film credits to identify the name of the Production Accountant.
You double underline your mother’s name when preparing her death notice.
You do an NPV calculation when you receive an indecent proposal (Of course this makes perfect sense if you are married).
You do an NPV calculation before deciding not to have children.
You think that Greek Oracles were early developers of database accounting systems.
You can explain the difference between “downsizing”, “right sizing”, “re-engineering” and “firing people”.
You think that leaving at 5 o’clock is a half day.
You use the term “value added” with a straight face.
Your Valentine’s Day cards have bullet points.
You schedule a meeting with your spouse to discuss the past year’s performance.
You aren’t sure, but you think that you can claim depreciation on your human capital as a tax deduction.
Your idea of “absolute terror” is an unbalanced T account.
Your idea of “creativity” is a one-sided journal entry.

(Date and Source Unknown)
Top 10 Reasons to Become an Accountant:

10. Audits Happen
9. You’re too sincere to succeed in Marketing
8. You can take your “Stupid Accounting Tricks” with you when you change jobs
7. Pocket protectors are bound to come back in style
6. The sheer sex appeal of it all…
5. Business Administration Majors go to work for their parents
4. Norm Peterson makes a great roll model
3. You can color your conversations with exciting phrases like “alternative minimum tax” and “substantive tests of details.”
2. You have great pick-up lines for parties: “Hey baby, can I vouch your assets?”
1. You don’t have to go to law school to get a job

David Letterman’s Top Ten List for April 14, 2000:
Top Ten Punchlines to Dirty Accountant Jokes:

10. I didn’t notice her 1099s, but she sure had nice W-2s.
9. I’ve never seen someone deplete his reserves twice in one night.
8. Looks like Charles just got Schwab-ed.
7. Now there’s a box I’d like to check.
6. That’s not what I meant when I asked you to liquidate my holdings.
5. I guess she’d never seen such an impressive sustainable growth rate.
4. If I could handle my own extension, I’d never leave the house.
3. Well, would you believe me if I said I was just checking your wife for hidden assets?”
2. Hurry - it’s depreciating rapidly.”
1. I guess there is a penalty for early withdrawal.

David Letterman’s Top Ten List for March 28, 2000:
Top Ten Dumb Accountant Tax Tips

10. Don’t file a W-2 form unless your name begins with “W.”
9. Answer every question ‘Wouldn’t you like to know?”
8. Hide all money in mattress, on return write “No money hidden in mattress.”
7. If you’ve just eaten, don’t do taxes for at least half an hour.
6. Hire yourself as an employee, fire yourself, sue yourself for discrimination, deduct court costs.
5. Report $1 billion income so IRS will think you’re some sort of big shot.
4. For “charitable contributions,” list $9 you spent on last Kevin Costner movie.
3. Request bonus deduction because “easy” misspelled on 1040-EZ from.
2. To distract the auditor, enclose a photo of yourself naked.
1. Remember, you’ cant spell “taxes” without “CPA.”

David Letterman’s Top Ten List for April 9, 1998:
Top Ten Accountant Pick-Up Lines:

10. You’ve got a lovely pair of W-2’s.
9. Please, baby, let me withhold you.
8. Technically, having sex with me is a charitable gift.
7. In my office, ‘I.R.S.’ stands for “I’m Really Sexy.”
6. If I help you screw Uncle Sam, can I be next?
5. You’re entitled to a $5000 tax break on your municipal bond income…now let’s do it.”
4. Let’s out a 1040 - you’re a 10, and I’m 40.
3. You’re the kind of girl I could take home to mother - which is good, since I still live with her.
2. Lady, you make my pants file for an extension.
1. Nice assets.